Market reports today...
barrows and gilts at 220 to 260 pounds are lower at $40.
Sows are steady. 300 to 500 pounds, $34 to $37.
Goin' over to the feeder cattle, beef steers, $120 to $150...
The way I like to do it...
is I take one can of cream of mushroom soup...
and then one package of egg noodles.
I like the egg noodles better than the Italian ones.
I like to put...
If we look at what the Lord said in the book of Revelation...
you can be sure that there's a price to pay...
for the way of the flesh and that price will be paid if you don't...
Here's the wind-up and the pitch.
And it's two and two, two and two...
Before you just say, "Honey, I think we have to have...
"some couple's counseling. I mean, I think we have a problem.
"I can't leave a cup here for..."
All right. It's time for traffic on the fives...
and let's find out what's going on with your drive.
Let's go to Chopper. Chopper, what's happening?
All right, Lettie. We got a fifteen-minute, uh, wait... 494.
There's an accident working at the spaghetti junction.
at 630, but it still will make a very slow go...
A quiet night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets.
But one man is still looking for the answers to life's persistent questions.
That's me.
Or it used to be.
It was a rainy Saturday night in St. Paul...
and I had just finished off a grilled cheese sandwich...
with beans for a chaser...
and it was time to head for work across the street.
I'm a private eye.
Noir's the name.
Guy Noir.
But I'd taken temporary employment about six years before...
doing security for a radio show called A Prairie Home Companion...
on account of a serious cash-flow problem...
due to a lack of missing heiresses and dead tycoons lying in the solarium...
with lipstick stains on their smoking jackets.
In other words, I was broke.
This radio show was done out of an old theater called the Fitzgerald...
and it had been on the air since Jesus was in the third grade.
But it was still pulling in a few hundred people on Saturday nights.
It was a live radio variety show, the kind that died fifty years ago...
but somebody forgot to tell them until this night.
A big corporation down in Texas had bought up the radio station...
and their axeman, a guy named Cruett...
was on his way to St. Paul to shut the thing down...
and turn the theater into a parking lot.
It was curtains and everybody knew it, but nobody said so.
They were Midwesterners.
They felt like if you ignored bad news, it might go away.
Not my philosophy, but I'm not from here.
Stay on the edge of the crowd.
Keep your eyes open.
That's my motto.
It was my last night of gainful employment...
and I had a feeling it was maybe going to be interesting.
# I used to work in Chicago #
# At a convenience store #
# I used to work in Chicago #
# I did, but I don't anymore #
Ladies and gentlemen, we are now at ten minutes from broadcast, please.
Ten minutes.
# A lady walked in with some porcelain skin #
# And I asked her what she came in for #
# "Liquor," she said, and lick her I did #
# And I don't work there anymore #
Molly.
What... OK, OK.
Jesus, the schedule.
Uh...
Where's my pencil? I gotta show you some changes.
Where's my pencil?
I just put it down here a second ago.
Where'd you put it last?
I just had it here a second ago.
Oh, it's... it's...
Don't mess with those.
Hey, hey, hey. Please, move that back.
This one will make the...
This will make the wife green-eyed with envy.
Ooh!
One more.
Do you think she's coming by the studio?
Cuddle up a little bit. There you go.
Hey, Guy. How are you tonight?
I need a little help from you.
Take these Johnson Girl t-shirts. Have someone take 'em up front.
- I'll take care of it. - Nice tie.
Well, it's about damn time.
The very tardy Johnson Girls.
Hey, Al.
Givin' me a heart attack here.
What is this? Rewrites?
What's wrong with the old script?
How does that feel?
Give me a little sound effects on that one.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are now at six minutes to broadcast.
Six minutes from broadcast, please.
That's the... that's the...
Hey, Rich, that's that Honolulu mama...
how she could dance in her pink pajamas...
when she took off her Oahu Oahu Oahu.
No, it's an old Carter family song, right?
A what?
Carter family, sweetheart.
Just like us, only famous.
Now, how long you been doin' this?
Doin' what? Puttin' my pants on?
How long you been doin' radio?
Oh.
I don't know. Thirty-some years, I guess.
Started out in Mark Twain Days, Mississippi River...
and they hired me to play Huck Finn.
I was running a raft on the Mississippi...
and carrying people across, and, uh...
it ran into the wake of a steamboat.
Mr. Keillor? We need you on stage.
Fine. I'm right there.
Is this the story about the guy who ends up hangin' from a kite...
bein' pulled by a boat with his shorts around his ankles?
No. No, it's a different story about a pontoon boat.
Oh! Look at this old house.
Good-bye, old house.
Good-bye, old porch.
Good-bye, old Guy.
Hey, Guy. What are they gonna do with this house, you think? Huh?
I figure it had somethin' to do...
with the dumpster that showed up yesterday.
Oh, my God. Honey, listen.
I brought you that cute little dress...
I already told you, I don't like the dress.
At least try it on.
I want to see it on you.
You try it on. I don't want to try it on.
It's ugly.
It's the color of vomit.
Oh, sorry.
Old man Soderberg was one of those people who was on that raft...
and, uh, he went over the rail and into the river...
and I went in for him 'cause he couldn't swim.
So, I pulled him out.
You saved his life?
Well, not really. The river was shallow at that point...
but he didn't know that 'cause I had hold of his ankles.
I was towing him into shore.
Hey! It's good to see ya!
Four minutes from broadcast, please.
Four minutes.
Ooh! Hey.
Hey.
Wait a minute. Where's my bag?
No, no. The bag's here.
I brought it in.
Mom, just look.
Here it is. Come on, Yolanda.
I swear to God I'm all, you know, verklempt.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ohh.
Hot.
Yeah. See? Plenty of time.
So he gave you the job at WLT.
Well, his brother did, actually.
Yeah, Art Soderberg.
G.K. to the stage, please.
Art Soderberg gave you the job.
Yeah, it was a...
It was the early morning show, right?
Rise and Shine Show. Wilmer Scott, 5 A.M..
Me and Dusty used to have an early mornin' show.
Is that right? Excuse me, partner.
Oh, yeah. Breakfast at the Bunkhouse.
TV show. And, uh, it showed mostly...
cartoons and stuff. Remember that?
- Oh, yeah? - For the kids.
Well, this was... uh, this came on at 5:00 in the morning.
And it was... uh, like a gospel show.
- Inspirational show. - Inspirational show.
Wilmer Scott was the host of it.
Wasn't Wilmer Scott the famous aviator?
No.
Yeah. First man to fly the length of the Mississippi solo.
- No. - I don't think so.
Right.
That was his brother Wilbur Scott.
We're now at three minutes...
Flew from New Orleans to Memphis...
all the way up to Minnesota to Lake Itasca.
And when he got up there, he tried to fire a signal rocket...
out the cockpit window, but it was closed.
He became the first civilian pilot to shoot himself down.
- Ugh! - No. That was Wilbur.
- You made that story up. - Right.
No, I'm talking about Wilmer Scott.
Crashed into the lake at his moment of triumph.
- No. - Wilmer.
- Wilmer. Yeah. He was the host... - No. This was the...
- Right. - The Rise and Shine Show.
Rise and Shine.
Mr. Keillor, Al's on the verge of a coronary up there.
Yeah. I'm there.
Now, how did he have time to fly and do radio?
G.K., sit down. I gotta do your makeup.
You're thinking of Wilbur Scott, see?
Yeah. It's not the same person. Not the same person.
- Yeah... - He was dead.
You know, we used to have a dog in the act...
when Wanda and Connie were in it...
- and that dog would sing... - Ooo!
- Ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha!
We'd sing this old song and he would howl! Ha ha ha!
Oh, my God, that was a dog.
- I been thinkin' about him all day long. - Yeah.
Rusty always comes to my mind.
Does it?
# Go tell Aunt Gladys #
- # Go tell Aunt Gladys # - That's it!
# Go tell Aunt Gladys #
# The old brown dog is dead #
# An old brown dog named Rusty #
# He just laid down and died #
- Ruff! Ruff! - Right on cue.
- It was... I mean... - Bow wow wow!
- Ow, ow, ow! - Bark bark bark!
- Oooowww! - How-ow!
I don't know if we were harmonizing with him...
or he was harmonizing with us.
# Oh, he died from chasin' squirrels #
Ladies and gentlemen...
# He died from chasin' squirrels #
This is not a test.
# He died from chasin' squirrels #
We're at two minutes from broadcast.
# He ate one and got sick #
# Must've been a bad one #
- # Must've been # - Ha ha!
# A bad one #
# It must've been a bad one #
# He just laid down and died #
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, God! This is it!
Oh!
I'm going into labor!
Oh! Uh... oh, my gosh!
I can feel it! My baby's coming out!
It's going to come out on this dirty make-up room floor!
Oh! Oh! Whoa!
Just take it easy.
Just kidding.
- Ohh! You... - You phony!
Get her up out of there.
You were fakin'?! I was callin' 911!
I'm sorry. They just wouldn't pay attention.
- I had to think of something... - I'm going to work.
- Oh! - Didn't mean to scare you, Donna.
Wilmer Scott.
- Let's go. - Garrison!
Wilmer Scott was the one who hypnotized the chickens...
- There you go. - on the show.
He did like, what, four of those chickens in a row.
- Four or five of them. - Who was Wilmer Scott?
He was the host of that Rise and Shine Show.
Early in the morning. 5 A.M..
That's, uh, what, uh, G.K. got started in radio.
Right. Gospel show.
And he hypnotized chickens on the radio?
No, but he did the chickens on this show.
On this show?
Not on that Rise and Shine Show.
OK.
All right, let's dim the house lights.
You remember when he did those chickens?
- Hypnotized them? - Yep.
Chinese chickens, right?
Kung Pao, I believe.
With the little... didn't they have a little...
Here we go. Over here.
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
Pisca what?
The sponsor. 5 A.M.. Rise and Shine Show.
What was it called?
Made of buffalo grass...
And thirty seconds to broadcast, please.
Sassafras, and natural grain alcohol.
What was it called?
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
No, it's Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
- Places, please. - OK. Places.
That's what I said.
Remember the jingle? How it went?
# Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin Medicinal Formula #
Standin' by. Here we go.
It was what Wilmer Scott had in his coffee cup...
- Uh-huh. - every morning.
- 5 A.M.. - Right here.
Then he quit drinking.
- Uh-huh. OK. - And he lost interest in radio.
Check your barn doors.
He developed mic fright.
How did he quit drinkin'?
He just quit.
- And we're on. - Then he raised chickens.
Show chickens. Chinese chickens.
# I hear that old piano #
# From down the avenue #
# I smell the pine trees #
# I look around for you #
# Oh, my sweet, sweet, sweet old someone #
# Coming through that door #
# It's Saturday and the band is playin' #
# Honey, could we ask for more? #
Hello, everybody, on a Saturday night...
and welcome to a live broadcast...
of A Prairie Home Companion coming to you...
from WLT, your friendly neighbor station.
Noir, where you been?
I was lookin' after the Johnson Girls.
OK. Aren't you supposed to be guarding the door?
Are you worried about something?
Uh, I had a weird call from some crazy lady, so...
Oh, she's not that crazy.
How do you know?
Because I met her earlier this afternoon.
She came by.
What does she look like? You get a description?
Yeah, I got a description.
Yeah?
She was beautiful.
Her hair was what God had in mind when he said, let there be...
Hair. Right. Hair.
Hair. Yeah.
She gave me a smile so sweet...
you could've poured it on your pancakes.
She was wearing a white trench coat so white...
that rain would be embarrassed to fall on it.
Got it. Right.
The skirt she was wearing was so tight...
you could read the embroidery on her underwear.
It said, "Wash in lukewarm water and spin lightly."
OK, you're makin' it up.
She had a Mount Rushmore t-shirt on, and those guys never looked so good.
Especially Jefferson and Lincoln.
Right.
Kind of bloated but happy.
- If you know what I mean. - Yeah.
It was an honor just to sit there and inhale the same air...
that she had so recently exhaled...
just to exchange the atmosphere between us, so to speak.
Look, what did she want?
Did she say anything about...
Who?
The lady.
Oh. She was looking for the Presbyterian Church.
Like a dope, I told her where it was.
And out of my life she went, just as...
quickly and erotically as she had entered it.
Are you tired of your current herring?
Has it lost that certain something that you expect...
in a pickled fish product?
If so, maybe it's time you try Jens Jenson.
It's the Lake Superior herring that's made the old-fashioned Norwegian way.
C-can someone turn it down, please? Please?
# Yeah, Jenson Herring is the best #
Oh, Jens Jenson's.
- Please. - Ask for it by name.
And if your grocer doesn't stock it, ask him why not.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna color my hair strawberry blonde.
Hey.
I swear to God, I should have done it years ago.
I should have broke loose...
gone to Chicago when Mama died back then.
That's what I should have done.
You know, you put those things off.
You seldom get around to them again.
Hmm. What are you writin'?
Poem.
Oh, a poem.
What's it about?
Heh. Suicide.
Oh, my God.
Oh. OK.
Well, you know what my philosophy is.
Yes, I do, so don't tell me.
I think that you gotta be grateful for everything that happens to you...
because that's what got you here, you know?
And if you hadn't gone through all the things that you went through...
why, you know, you wouldn't have wound up...
where you are now, so, I don't know.
Disappointment doesn't get you anywhere.
Anywhere.
Aren't you wonderful?
Well, one door closes and another one opens...
then, you know, everything is a step along the way...
and it all leads to something else.
Pardon me if I don't get down on my knees.
Well, that's what I think.
Ahem. Read me some of your poem.
It's not finished.
Huh?
OK.
"Soliloquy for a Blue Guitar.
"Death is easy...
"like jumping into the big, blue air...
"and waving hello to God.
"God is love...
"but he doesn't necessarily drop everything...
"to catch you, does he?
"So, when you hook the hose up to your tailpipe...
"don't expect to wake up and get toast for breakfast.
"The toast is you."
Hey, what was the name of that song?
Well, did you like it?
I won't be loanin' you my car any time soon.
Hose to the tailpipe.
Thank you so much.
I want to come in here and sing a song for you...
called Slow Days of Summer.
Send this out to all the friends in my little hometown...
up north of here up on the river.
# Slow days of summer #
# In this old town #
# Sun goes across the sky #
# Sometimes a car goes by #
# There's one right now #
# Looks like a Chevy #
# Your Chevy's blue #
# This Chevy's white and brown #
# It doesn't slow down #
# This looks like new #
# You said you'd be here #
# Someday yourself #
# Maybe by Saturday #
# If you can get away #
# You'll let me know #
You came back.
I did.
The Presbyterians weren't who you were looking for?
No, Mr. Noir.
I was sent here.
What can I do for you?
Really nothing.
I'll take care of it.
# Playing a note... #
You have a nice show here, Mr. Noir.
Thanks. We like it.
Do you believe in the fullness of time and the spirit?
Most people don't, you know.
It would be good, Mr. Noir, if you would open your heart...
to the fullness of time and the spirit...
which upholds and sustains us all through this world. Amen.
Whatever you say.
Hmm.
# Waiting for love to come #
# All is alive #
# Birds sing with angel tongues #
# Small stones like diamonds #
# All down the drive #
# Around the corner, an old dog appears #
# Sits in the summer sun #
# Waiting for love to come #
# Wish you were here #
# Ooh #
Thank you, boys.
And the next week, we're back doin' the county fair circuit...
changin' our petticoats in the ladies' toilet...
and the boys tryin' to peek in.
Ha ha ha!
That was the only good part about it.
Then you have to go outdoors and sing in the open air...
with a cloud of mosquitoes around your head.
Remember that time... honestly, Lola, honest to God...
a dragonfly flew right in my mouth.
Oh, yeah!
It was this big. I thought it was a bird.
How old were you then?
I was thirteen. Your mother was ten.
Wanda was what?
Wanda was sixteen. Connie, fifteen.
Yep.
That was the end of it. The end of the road.
That was a great...
You know, Wanda took it real hard, didn't she?
A week later, she got arrested.
For what? You never told me this.
Shoplifting, and I did tell you this.
Mom, you're going senile. You didn't tell me that.
No...
She was havin' a cup of coffee in the cafe.
She ordered a glazed doughnut.
She started eatin' it and she got a sugar rush.
She was diagnosed hypoglycemic.
And so, she forgets she didn't pay for the doughnut...
and she walks out the door.
- It wasn't two minutes... - But they arrested her for shopliftin'.
The red lights are flashin' and she's in handcuffs...
- And they had a policeman there. - And the cameras, the TV camera...
- the station came right down. - It was on the news.
And her hair is, like, stickin' out like this and she's bawlin'...
and Daddy sees it on the 10:00 newscast.
'Cause he was in the hospital with Mama.
She was havin' her tubes tied after Johnny was born.
Thank you.
- Didn't need to know that. - Well.
Daddy sees Wanda gettin' arrested on TV for shoplifting.
He has a major coronary occlusion.
Yeah.
He just climbed up into the hospital bed with Mama...
then he pulled the sheet up over his own face...
and when the nurse came in, he was dead.
That was it. You know?
He left a note, 'cause Wanda got released from jail just for the funeral.
He said, "Wanda, you broke my heart. Signed, Daddy."
She did thirty days for one glazed doughnut.
A 59-cent doughnut. If it had been rock and roll...
she could have thrown sofas out of the window...
hotel window. No, not even her own sofa.
She could throw somebody else's sofa out the window.
You don't know what kind of passersby at the bottom.
She could have been hittin' people. It wouldn't have mattered.
But when you're playin' to Christian family audiences like we were...
you so much as forget to pay for a damn doughnut...
they throw you out like a piece of garbage.
Sooner kill you than look at you.
Some of those good people, eh?
The Soderberg family selling out!
I just do not get it.
I mean, they've owned WLT...
since they ran it out of a sandwich shop.
I mean, that's what the call letters stand for, you know.
"With Lettuce and Tomato." Did you know that?
I mean, how do you just walk away from somethin' like that?
I mean, what are we? Used Kleenex?
They got old, babe.
They started thinking about ease and comfort.
Then, I figure, they saw a brochure about an island with palm trees...
and an azure sky and miles of sand...
and they thought, "Hey! Ha ha!
"We don't have to suffer through these miserable Minnesota winters.
"We don't have to freeze our butts off waiting for our bus to come.
"Our bus has come. It's here. We'll leave the business to the kids...
"and we'll head for paradise and to hell with it."
Only trouble is...
the kids had already gone down to paradise ahead of them.
So then, a big corporation down in Texas...
offered them a gazillion dollars for it.
Texans.
Sure.
They talk funny and their eyes don't focus...
and their flesh is rotting and falling off...
but hey. You know. So what?
Yeah, nobody's perfect and, uh... money is money...
so, the Soderbergs took the dough. End of story.
Do you have any tweezers?
Egg salad or ham salad?
Why are you crying?
Well, it's the last show.
I'm never going to see these people again.
You'll see them again.
I knew all of them from the old days.
Soupy and Red, Ray.
And Helen.
Gone and forgotten.
Every sparrow is remembered.
I don't even know if they're gonna make a speech or anything.
It doesn't seem right, does it?
No.
Some big company come in and steps on us...
like we were bugs at the picnic.
What's in ham salad?
I... I can't remember the word. It was...
May I...
Maybe...
Mayo?
Mayonnaise.
Well, it's an end of an era when this show goes, guys.
There won't be anything left on the radio except what?
People yellin' at you and computers playing music.
I mean, it's a tragedy.
I wasn't gonna tell you this...
but between you and me and the fly on the wall...
there's a woman on the premises who I think, maybe, is gonna save our bacon.
Hmm?
She's got that look about her.
Who is she?
I'm not sure. I'm still working on figuring that one out.
Just close your eyes for a second.
She from NorComm?
Time will tell.
I'll just let personal charm and dashing good looks do their work.
She walked in, couldn't take her eyes off me.
Drawn to me like a moth to the flame.
Every time there's a triumph in the world...
a million souls have to be trampled on.
And right there... you can see it right in the damn carpet.
What does that have to do with anything?
Mama. She l... she went...
She went up to the...
It was a lot for Mama to put up with.
We had to shovel her into the Good Shepherd Home.
That's it. That was the sad day.
Connie quit the act.
God, we'd already lost Wanda.
Wanda was like magic.
The four of us, when we were together...
- she was singin'. - She was...
And next to you, I'm tellin' you...
you've followed in her footsteps.
You are the same... the same talent.
No. I don't know about that.
So, now, it's just the two of us.
Yep. Just the two of us.
You know what? It was your dad got us on the radio.
God, that was a good-lookin' family!
I can understand you goin' for that guy.
Yeah, he sang like an angel.
He sang...
# Softly and tenderly #
# Jesus is calling #
# Callin' for you and for me #
# See on the portal #
# He's waiting and watching #
# Watching for you and for me #
# Come home #
# Ye who are weary, come home #
Hmm-mmm.
Singing is the only thing that puts me right.
Hmm-mmm.
# Well, Charlie, you're a good ol' boy #
# Charlie, you're all right #
# Charlie, open up the store #
# We're comin' down tonight #
# Out where you can see the stars #
# And the living's slow #
# We'll eat potluck and pool guitars #
# Down on Old Plank Road #
# Ohh #
# Down on Old Plank Road #
# We'll eat potluck and pool guitars #
# Down on Old Plank Road #
# Come home #
# Ye who are weary, come home #
Hold it. Are we on?
Uh, not yet. You've got a few minutes.
What are we doin'?
You're on in the Powdermilk segment doing Gold Watch and Chain with him.
We haven't done that for years.
# I'll pawn you my gold watch and chain, love #
# I'll pawn you my gold wedding ring... #
Excuse me.
I gotta get a head start on gettin' pie-eyed tonight.
# This heart in my bosom #
# Only say that you'll love me again #
How about Red River Valley?
Fine. Whatever you'd like.
I would just like there to be a spot for Lola on the show later.
I hope so. If there's time.
Well, this isn't really gonna be your last show, is it?
Every show's your last show.
That's my philosophy.
Thank you, Plato. Kierkegaard.
Button up, would ya?
I am. That's as far as it goes.
# Well, sister and her oldest girl #
# They sing so good together #
# Jason, he can make me laugh #
# And he just keeps gettin' better #
# Claire has got a sweet new one #
# About her, Timmy-o #
# And John is everybody's man #
# Down on Old Plank Road #
# Ohh #
# Down on Old Plank Road #
Hey, uh... can you tell potato face here that his butt is too big for his pants...
and people can see his crack...
and it ain't nothin' any normal person would ever care to look at?
Where?
In the back. That's where your crack is.
Well, I don't see nothin'.
- Hey, Molly. - Don't talk to me.
Am I decent back there?
Don't ask me. I'm not your mother.
You might be decent if you lost 25 pounds of ugly fat.
And I might suggest cuttin' off your head.
She showed me her tattoo once.
Hell she did.
On her shoulder.
You're lyin' through your teeth.
Left shoulder. Right here.
- That ain't the shoulder. - Whatever you want to call it.
I'd call it the clavicle.
OK, well, why don't you ask her about it?
Maybe she'll let you have a look.
Well, what did it say?
It said, "Freedom."
Fr... Now I know you're lyin'.
Come on. We gotta put out the CDs.
Come on, niece.
Hey. Molly.
Molly, here. Take these out front.
Did you hear about the Soderbergs sellin' the radio station?
I heard all about it.
Are you OK?
Yes, of course. Hmm?
Kind of a bizarre feeling, isn't it?
- What? - The silence.
What?
Well...
you're gonna say somethin' about it.
You're gonna talk to the people, aren't you?
Say, "Thanks for listening," or something.
Yeah, you know.
I don't think so.
Why not? Say, "Thank you."
What?
I'm just not into making big speeches.
What do you do when you leave somebody's house?
You don't just turn around...
I don't make a big speech. A big weepy speech.
Oh, that's it! You're afraid that you're gonna cry!
I wouldn't.
Yeah, that's right. That's true. You wouldn't.
And you know, that's why, I think, that our romance was so short.
Because I knew that when we broke up, you would not cry...
so, I got way over it.
Does that make sense to you?
No, not at all.
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# Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought #
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Yes, Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
And now, for Bebopareebop...
please welcome one of radio's great singing families...
the Johnson Girls, Rhonda and Yolanda.
- Hi, everybody. - Hi.
Oh, thank you. Thank you! Thank you very much.
I just want to say right away how happy I am...
that my daughter Lola is here tonight.
- Come on, Lola. - Oh! Thank you, sweetheart.
They want to see you.
It means a lot to me that you came.
Yeah, I named my little girl Lola after our own mother.
Yeah, Lola was our mom.
Lola. And tonight, we're gonna sing...
an old song that our mother loved.
Oh, it's one of her favorites.
Yep. She was our inspiration.
Some of you know this story...
but she's the main reason that we started makin' music originally...
because you know she...
it was the only way we knew to make her happy.
She'd be down on the kitchen floor scrubbin' on her knees.
But if you stood in the doorway and you sang a song that she liked...
why, she would just look up and smile.
Ha ha! Worn out as she was...
it was a smile as wide as the Mississippi. Heh heh.
Down at the mouth.
Not so slow, you sons of bitches. I'll break your necks.
- Yeah. - I mean it.
And you could see her gold tooth.
# Way down upon that old Mississippi River #
# Not so far away #
# That's where my folks have lived forever #
# And that's where I'm going to stay #
# I been searchin' 'cross the whole creation #
# Half my life or more #
# And more #
# But I found my own sweet satisfaction #
# Right here on that muddy river shore #
# All the world is so sad and dreary #
# Everywhere I roam #
- # Oh # - # Oh, Mama #
# Mama, how I miss the prairie #
# And my Minnesota home #
I can see my mama's sweet, sweet face every Sunday morning.
All the good old hymns, praise God, that we've sung.
We knelt in prayer right beside our precious aunts and uncles...
# Who loved us when we were young #
# In the valley of darkness #
# They are the shepherds #
# Who lead me to pastures green #
# And I'll sit with my mama #
# By the still, still waters #
# And goodness and mercy follow me #
# I floated down #
# The Columbia and the Hudson #
# Walked on the banks of the Ohio #
# On the banks of the Wabash #
# And the mighty Colorado #
# And the old Red River way up north #
# All the world #
# It is a world of rivers #
# Flowing to the sea #
# Yeah #
# But here on that old Mississippi #
# Here is the home for you and me #
Come on, bring it home!
# All the world #
# It is so sad and dreary #
# Everywhere I roam #
# Oh, oh, oh #
# Oh, Mama #
# How I missed the prairie #
# E-e-e #
- Ha ha. - Ha ha.
# And my Minnesota #
# Home #
The Johnson Girls, thank you.
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Let's bring out Mr. Chuck Akers here...
Mr. Chuck Akers, come out here and give us a song.
The sweet singer of Kandiyohi County...
the heartthrob of mature women everywhere.
My good friend, Mr. Chuck Akers.
Good to see you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, we would like to bring a song to all of our fans.
Now, that's kind of tough to do, 'cause we're all over the place.
Take me. Yeah, I've bounced all over.
I've done tent shows, schoolhouses, uh, parkin' lots...
the back of trucks, movie theaters, auditoriums.
I've even done churches.
Now, that's hard to believe, I know.
Anyway, this song is for you.
And we mean every word of it, all right?
Sic 'em.
# Hmm #
# Do do do do #
# My bark of life #
# Was tossin' down #
# The troubled stream of time #
# When first I saw #
# Your smilin' face #
# And youth was in its prime #
# Oh, I'll ne'er forget #
# Where'er I roam #
# Wherever you may be #
# If ever I #
# Have had a friend #
# You've been that friend to me #
- Hey, Lola. - Hi.
Heard you're gonna sing a song for us, lookin' forward to that.
Oh, no. I don't... maybe.
Well, it sure would mean the world to your mom.
She always said you had talent.
Yeah, I don't... I don't really know any of their songs.
I only know my own songs.
Well, sing one of them then.
They're mostly about death.
Oh.
Well, lotta good songs about death.
All mine are about suicide.
Oh.
Yeah, you know, um, hangin' yourself with an extension cord...
- carbon monoxide, overdose... - Hey, ahem...
you know, we could do, uh, Amazing Grace together.
I know Amazing Grace.
Yeah? Well, hey, look.
I'll play the guitar, we'll sing it together...
we'll bring this house down.
You know, I don't know if you knew this...
- about my friend Dusty here... - Hey, hey.
But he learned to sing gospel music in San Quentin.
And full shush.
Yes sir, that's where I met him.
I was with Johnny Cash, singin' in prisons.
Shut the pie hole.
There were all these heinous, depraved criminals...
- And well... - Liar, liar. Whatever, moron.
He sang Amazing Grace...
and it almost made you forget what he'd done.
Which I don't wanna talk about.
You know, you are so dumb, you may be twins.
He made me promise on a Bible that I would never tell, and I won't.
So let that be the end of it. Let me just say this, though.
Watch out for hugs.
Heh!
Right.
# If ever I #
# Have had a friend #
# You've been that friend #
- # To me # - # To me #
# If ever I #
# Have had a friend #
# You've been that friend to me #
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, G.K.
Mr. Chuck Akers!
Thank you, Chuck.
Robin and Linda Williams.
Let's come in here now with a word about ketchup.
Yes, ketchup, made from tomatoes that contain natural sunshine...
which we need in this part of the country.
We are not a sunshiny people.
We're not a paradise people or a beach people.
We are dark people.
People who believed it could be worse.
And we're waiting for it to become worse.
We come from people who brought us up to believe...
that life is a struggle...
and if you should ever feel really happy...
be patient. This will pass.
- Ha ha ha. - So we could...
When do you guys go on?
As soon as ol' spud butt here shuts his yapper.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Hey, you are gonna be great. Give me a hug.
All right, guys.
More show in just a moment...
but let's come in here now with a word about shoes!
That's Guy's Shoes. Boys...
# Talkin' shoes #
# Talkin' Guy's #
# Any two, any size #
# From your ankles to your toes #
# At the bottom of your clothes #
# You're talkin' shoes #
# Talkin' Guy's #
Yes, Guy's Shoes. They're made to last.
Ask about those Guy's Cash Shoes, with the hole in the soles...
so you stash your cash when you're out on the trail.
Isn't that right, Lefty?
That's where I keep mine, G.K.
All right. Let's welcome 'em now...
the old trail hands here...
the Pachelbels of the prairie, the Brahmses of the bunkhouse...
here they are, Dusty and Lefty.
- Good to have you with us. - Well, thank you, Garrison.
Yes sir, it's good to be back on the show...
because, you know, it gets mighty lonesome out there on the prairie.
And a cowboy gets tired of scenery after a while.
You get, well, sceneried out, and uh...
sort of wish you had somebody to talk to.
Somebody smart.
- Hmm. - Ha ha ha.
So you're lonesome for people, huh?
Well, you know, it's true, Garrison.
And, uh, it-it ain't the same just talkin' to your horse.
My horse is extremely smart.
Uh, he knows math.
He knows physics and chemistry...
but I can't seem to teach him philosophy.
Can't teach him philosophy, eh?
Well, no. You can't put Descartes before the horse.
- Aw... - Ha ha ha.
That was a good one, you know?
Well, what do you reckon we sing a song, Dusty?
Well, let's do it, Lefty.
One, two, you know what to do.
# I'm just an old cowboy #
# With twigs in my hair #
# Two-thirds alligator #
# And three-quarters bear #
# And one half a lion #
# But let it be known #
# I never told one lie #
# That was not my own #
# Whoopi-ti-yi-yo #
# Get along, little dogie #
# I eat when I'm hungry #
# I'll drink when I'm dry #
# Don't boss me or cross me #
# Or I'll spit in your eye #
# I think what I please #
# And I say what I mean #
# And I think all you women #
# Are the finest I've seen #
# Whoopi-ti-yi-yo... #
So my mom said, um...
my mom said, you got into radio...
uh, when someone was flying a kite whose clothes came off? Ha.
A naked man flying. Quite a sight.
Why didn't he pull his shorts up?
He was hanging on to the kite, couldn't let go.
- He was up high. - Ha.
A hundred feet up in the air...
fifty.
Ha.
So, how did that get you into radio?
Well, that was how I met your dad.
Here comes the solo.
Yeah, real good. Real good.
- Wait, naked guy... - Yeah?
- Was my dad? - Right.
Ha.
Naked man with red swim trunks around his ankles.
Couple thousand people saw it...
so we figured it was a good time to leave town...
so we got a car, and we headed down to Chicago.
# We ride in the snow #
# And we ride in the rain #
# Just like Gene Autry #
# Just like John Wayne #
# They were better cowboys #
# Than us and I mean it #
# But we are still livin' #
# And that is convenient #
# Huh! #
# Pi-ti-yi-yo #
# Get along, little dogie #
# Huh! #
# Pi-ti-yi-yo #
# Get along, little dogies #
I go in to pay for the gas...
and he wakes up and decides he needs to use the men's room.
So I come back.
I think he's still sleeping in the back seat...
and I get behind the wheel, and I drive to Chicago.
I leave him there in Oshkosh.
And he goes into the café, and your mother was the waitress.
That's how they met.
That's how I came to be born.
Well, it kind of led to that, yeah.
Yeah, but I mean if you had looked in the back seat...
and... and seen that he wasn't there, I wouldn't exist.
Well, he and I weren't getting along that well, so that's why.
That's really strange.
Well, no. I think it's one...
of the most beautiful things I ever did not do.
So how'd you get into radio then?
Well, there was a show called, uh, The Baked Bean Jubilee.
- Yeah, with my dad. - With your dad, right.
- Happy Baked Beans. - Happy Baked Beans, you know?
# Happy Baked Beans #
# Are nutritious #
Shh! Keep your voices down!
# Made the natural way #
- Keep your voices down! - # Made of natural fiber #
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
# Try some, you will say #
- There's a show going on! - # They are nature's fruit #
# Root-ti-toot-toot-toot #
# Try baked beans #
# Every day #
# Ooh, baby #
- # You're my man # - Mmm. Hmm!
# Ahh, ooh, you do what... #
Let's come in here now with some cards and letters...
from the friends and neighbors out there.
So good to know that you're out there listening.
Here's a little note here from Aaron...
who says our show is a source of comfort and laughter for him.
- And he's hoping... - And he's hopin' that the Johnson Girls...
he's goin' to hear them shake their hips a little...
and sing Touch me, Kiss me, Be my man.
No, he was just joking, he says.
Just joking about that.
He was hoping that we would sing, uh, Gold Watch and Chain.
- Oh. Oh, I bet. - Yolanda.
Yolanda and I.
So let's bring up Yolanda here.
This beautiful old song Gold Watch and Chain. Boys.
# Darlin', how can I stay here without you? #
# I have nothing to ease my poor heart #
# All the world would seem sad, dear, without you #
# Tell me now that we never will part #
# I will pawn you my gold watch and chain, love #
# I will pawn you my gold wedding ring #
# I will pawn you this... #
- Molly? - What?
Would you come here a moment?
What is it, Guy?
Um, I just want to...
Oh...
You are fat.
Y-you might think about cutting down on the, um, desserts and the beer.
And also possibly sex with men.
W-when did... when did this take place?
Who... who did this to you?
Ahh, yes, Lefty, Dusty, are... are you boys aware of this?
O-our little girl's going to be a-a single mom.
- You poor thing. - Thank you.
I'll swear on a stack of Bibles it wasn't me, darlin'.
Oh, that's great to know, Dusty. Thanks.
# Do not scorn her #
# With words fierce and bitter #
# Do not laugh at her shame and downfall #
You should sit.
# For a moment, just stop and consider #
Just ignore them.
# That a man was the cause of it all #
Dusty!
Yo!
That reminds me.
About that obscene song you sang last week.
- Obscene? Uh... - Yeah.
"I'll give you my moonshine if you show me your jugs"?
No, not that one.
"Lovin' you ain't easy, but I hear your sister is"?
No, no, no. "Come ride my pony all night long.
"Come ride him bareback, I'll sing you a song." That one.
That's just a song about ridin' a pony.
Mmm.
Oh, what... what the hell did you think it was about?
Let's go out with a little style, OK?
What do you say?
"Go out"? What do you mean?
Just what I said.
"Go out?" You mean me?
All of us.
What the Sam Hill are you talkin' about, mister?
- Ohh. Hold on. - Hey.
Got some nice egg salad sandwiches if you're hungry.
No gunplay backstage.
I'm hungry. I'm always hungry.
Did you know that she's pregnant?
# And can't be returned #
# You have left me and gone to another #
# All my hopes and bridges are burned #
# But I will pawn you my gold watch and chain, love #
# And I will pawn you my gold wedding ring #
# I will pawn you this heart in my bosom #
# Only say that you'll love me again #
Hee hee.
Thank you, Yolanda.
What a beautiful, beautiful song.
This portion of our show is brought to you...
by Powdermilk Biscuits...
and also brought to you by duct tape.
Duct tape. Yes, duct tape.
Duct tape.
Useful thing around the household...
almost anything that comes up around the household.
Sometimes you need to make repairs, doors come loose...
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Sometimes you just forget something that you're looking for...
and duct tape can come in handy.
You can wrap it around your finger like a string or something.
You can just tape it up. Whatever.
Things do tend to fall apart, you know.
Confusion reins endemic in our world today.
- Just things tend to drift... - Oh, jeez.